MONALISASMILE
I never got caught.
That’s right.
Women are wily.
I know I was.
I was always thinking steps ahead. How to cover my tracks. What was plausible. How much my hubby would believe.
The “ARE YOU CHEATING” question is the kiss of death in this lifestyle.
That means you’ve already created suspicion.
You haven’t cheated right.
Deadbeat Zaddy didn’t cheat correctly.
He got caught.
How did he answer the infamous “ARE YOU CHEATING” question?
I’ll let him explain.
DEADBEAT ZADDY: THE FIRST “ARE YOU CHEATING?” QUESTION
When my wife came home, she sat across from me on the couch and asked:
“Are you cheating on me?”
I was panicking on the inside.
I answered:
“No, why?”
A denial followed immediately by a request for information.
I wasn’t calmly executing some sophisticated deception protocol. I wanted to know what she knew.
Then she asked:
“Are you seeing escorts?”
That was it. That’s how I knew she went through my ChatGPT thread on how to cheat with escorts while being tracked on FindMy.
I told her the truth.
So let’s see how my performance stacks up against someone who apparently knew what the fuck she was doing.
Day 0: The Collapse
1. NO stalling tactics
MONALISASMILE
Don’t repeat the question.
“Am I having an affair? Of course not.”
Liars often repeat a question nearly verbatim as a stalling tactic to give themselves time to formulate a question.
NOPE.
And by God, don’t ask them to repeat the question. You’re too stupid to have an affair and deserve to get caught.
Or ask for more information.
“What do you mean by affair?”
That’s not incriminating at all. LOL, idiot.
DEADBEAT ZADDY: DID I DO THIS?
Well, shit.
My exact response was:
“No, why?”
So I didn’t repeat the question.
I didn’t ask her to define cheating.
But I did exactly what Monalisa warns against immediately afterward: I asked for more information.
At the time, “Why?” probably felt natural. Looking back, I was trying to figure out what prompted the question and, more importantly, what she knew.
The denial bought me approximately two seconds.
Then she asked:
“Are you seeing escorts?”
Apparently “No, why?” did not pass the Adultery Veteran certification exam.
2. NO skipping contractions
MONALISASMILE
This is not the time to be all high school English.
“I did not do it.”
Ugh, yes, you did. I can tell by your “DID NOT.”
You are trying to sound powerful and come across as a bad liar. I’m not sugarcoating it. Don’t use formal language.
**You’re not in court.
(But you will be soon, haha!)
***I can’t resist dark humor. If you read my writing enough, you’d know this. Mona
DEADBEAT ZADDY: ONE POINT FOR GRAMMAR
Finally, something I did right. I did not do it.
I didn’t suddenly transform into a politician:
***OMG, FUCKIN DYING AT THIS LINE, aside by Mona
“I DID NOT have sexual relations with those escorts.”
I said:
“No, why?”
Short. Conversational. Completely normal language.
Also completely false.
Monalisa: 1. Zaddy: 1.
Unfortunately, still ended up in court.
3. NO sweeping statements
MONALISASMILE
“I would never cheat on you.”
“I am always faithful to you, babe.”
It’s 100% garbage, and your spouse knows it.
It’s not going to work.
Instead of laying on the mush and hoping they will buy it, you must step back.
What is your normal?
Stick to how you present yourself.
Don’t oversell your lies.
DEADBEAT ZADDY: I DIDN’T OVERSELL THE DENIAL. I OVEREXPLAINED THE ESCORTS.
I didn’t tell her:
“I would never cheat on you.”
That would’ve been a bold strategy considering I had, in fact, cheated on her.
My initial response was much simpler:
“No, why?”
But after she asked whether I was seeing escorts and I admitted it, I started trying to explain what the cheating meant.
I told her it was:
“Compartmentalized.”
“A thrill.”
I also explained that I hadn’t wanted to pressure her for sex while she was exhausted and overwhelmed with our baby.
None of those explanations changed what I’d done.
Looking back, I think I was trying to put boundaries around it.
This wasn’t some second relationship.
This wasn’t because I didn’t love my family.
I'd put it in a separate compartment.
A thrill.
Something over there.
Whether I realized it or not, I was trying to make the behavior sound more trivial than the betrayal felt to her.
4. NO overemphasizing your trustworthiness
MONALISASMILE
“To be honest…”
“To tell you the truth…”
“Believe me…”
“Let me be clear…”
“The fact is…”
All of these suck.
You aren’t convincing anyone you are trustworthy with this shit coming out of your mouth.
DEADBEAT ZADDY: I TRIED TO RECOVER CREDIBILITY AFTER I’D ALREADY LOST IT.
I didn’t say:
“Believe me.”
“To tell you the truth.”
“Let me be clear.”
So technically, I avoided Monalisa’s obvious credibility tells.
But I did something adjacent after confessing.
I started explaining myself.
“Compartmentalized.”
Not wanting to pressure her for sex.
Those explanations weren’t necessarily lies. But they were also doing rhetorical work.
I was essentially saying:
Yes, I did this terrible thing—but here’s a framework in which I’m not quite as terrible as this currently looks.
That’s still credibility management.
The lie had already failed, so I wasn’t trying to convince her that I hadn’t cheated anymore.
I was trying to convince her—and probably myself—that the cheating could be separated from the rest of who I was.
*** Hey, we all do compartmentalization as adulterers. I joke I’m a hair's breadth away from being a lovable sociopath. It could be worse. I could be a serial killer. Sincerely (or not), Mona
5. NO hedging
MONALISASMILE
“As far as I can recall, I haven’t done anything wrong…”
What?!
Retard.
Almost as bad as “What do you mean?”
If you think this is a good idea, I have no pity for you when you get caught.
Your spouse should dump your sorry ass.
DEADBEAT ZADDY: I DIDN’T HEDGE THE FACTS. I HEDGED THE MEANING.
My initial denial wasn’t hedged:
“No, why?”
And once she asked specifically about escorts, I admitted it.
So there was no:
“As far as I remember…”
or:
“Technically, I wouldn’t call it cheating…”
But after the confession, another kind of hedging appeared.
I tried to qualify what the cheating meant.
It was compartmentalized.
It was a thrill.
I didn’t want to pressure her sexually.
Those distinctions mattered enormously to me at the time.
I’m not sure they mattered much to the woman who had just discovered her husband was seeing escorts.
***She heard dick in strange, unsanitary vagina. Ewwww, disease! It almost might have been better if Zaddy fucked a colleague or a stranger. Although, details like condom use and safe sex aren’t exactly a priority when you’ve been brutally betrayed.
6. NO dodging
MONALISASMILE
“Do you really think I would do such a thing?”
First of all, who talks like that?!
Don’t dodge the question.
The first rule of fight club is NO, loud and clear.
No unnecessary words.
No wishy-washiness.
No murky statements.
DEADBEAT ZADDY: TECHNICALLY ANSWERED, THEN WENT FISHING
I didn’t dodge the first question.
She asked whether I was cheating.
I said:
“No.”
Direct answer.
False answer, but direct.
The “why?” immediately afterward was me trying to understand the threat.
Then she narrowed the question:
“Are you seeing escorts?”
And I confessed.
So my interrogation strategy lasted exactly one question and one follow-up.
Not exactly Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy.
***We can’t all be as fucked up as me, xoxo, Mona
7. NO getting defensive
MONALISASMILE
“How can you doubt me?”
Also, a HUGE red flag for your cheating scoundrel ways.
Your spouse is ALREADY doubting you.
Don’t play into that.
If you have to ask, “Do you believe me?”
They don’t.
DEADBEAT ZADDY: PASSED
This one remains unchanged.
I didn’t say:
“How can you accuse me of that?”
I didn’t attack her for distrusting me.
I didn’t get indignant.
“No, why?” wasn’t defensive.
If anything, it was investigative.
And once she mentioned escorts, there wasn’t much fight left to put up.
8. NO evading
MONALISASMILE
“Don’t you have something better to do?”
That’s the holy grail of idiocy, right there.
Your spouse isn’t asking if you are cheating for the heck of it.
They suspect you are.
“That’s not important” isn’t the correct reply.
Or:
“Why do you want to know that?”
You are evading.
No bueno.
DEADBEAT ZADDY: MONALISA GOT ME
This one changes too.
Monalisa specifically warns against responding to suspicion by asking:
“Why do you want to know that?”
My version wasn’t quite that bad.
But it belonged to the same family:
“No, why?”
I answered the question, then immediately tried to extract the reason she’d asked it.
And in retrospect, the answer to my “why?” was pretty devastating.
Because she’d already gone through my phone.
And she’d already told Megan.
I was trying to determine how much she knew.
She knew.
9. NO over-embellishing
MONALISASMILE
Resist the temptation to add details.
It makes your story less believable.
Don’t do this.
Leave room for silence.
Don’t be afraid of being quiet.
If you rattle on and on, you leave holes that can be questioned later in your “story,” and you seem less and less in control.
DEADBEAT ZADDY: THE STORY STARTED AFTER THE LIE ENDED
I didn’t construct some elaborate alibi when she initially confronted me.
My entire opening defense was:
“No, why?”
Then she mentioned escorts.
I confessed.
That’s when the explanations started.
I was trying to explain how I’d made the behavior make sense inside my own head.
And there was truth in those explanations.
But even as I gave them, I knew they weren’t the whole truth.
The deeper explanation was harder to admit:
I had become deeply unhappy with the person I felt myself becoming inside the marriage, and the parallel life had become an escape hatch.
That realization came much later.
***Dude, if it makes you feel any better, 99.9% of cheaters are deeply unhappy, but unwilling to admit it. They feel trapped by a relationship, marriage, kids, a job, or an unhealthy combination of all the above.
Takeaway
MONALISASMILE
I CAN TEACH A COURSE.
While we may be lying like a rug, it’s actually tough to spot a liar. Lean into that.
It’s not what is said but how it is said.
Your delivery and body language matter more than your words. No shifting in your seat or straining your voice. Relax. Make plenty of eye contact and be straightforward. Angle your body towards your spouse, not towards the door. Breathe. Don’t forget to breathe. Don’t fidget.
Don’t make your voice go higher than normal. Dead giveaway.
Liars change their pitch.
Deny, deny, deny.
Till you die.
Double down on deception.
Listen to your Adultery Veteran. I’ve been through it all, and no one found out.
DEADBEAT ZADDY: THE POST MORTEM
Monalisa’s piece is about how people give themselves away while lying.
My experience had another phase:
What happens after the lie is dead?
First I denied.
“No, why?”
Then she got specific.
“Are you seeing escorts?”
I admitted it.
Then I immediately started explaining. Looking back, I can see the progression.
First I tried to protect the secret.
Then I tried to protect the behavior.
Then I tried to protect my identity.
Because once I could no longer credibly say:
I didn’t do it.
The next psychological move was:
I did it, but it doesn’t mean what you think it means.
And maybe some of those distinctions were real.
But they were also convenient.
I was trying to maintain the wall I’d already built inside my own head:
Husband here.
Father here.
Career here.
Escorts there.
Everything compartmentalized.
Everything supposedly contained.
Until one Sunday morning when all the compartments opened at once.
There are no winners when you’re caught cheating.
ONLY LOSERS.
And I don’t just mean money. Everyone loses. An innocent kid loses a full-time Daddy; a wife loses her trusted “other half.” I lost most of my friends. Hell, I became persona non grata and moved my sorry ass across the country for a chance to start again. Was I discovered? Technically, NO. Was I suspected? YES, I’m sure.
Did I ever admit anything?
Fuck no.
My ex asked me, “Are you cheating?” once towards the tail end of our marriage.
I had just come back from the “gym” (AKA, my lover's apartment) where I had been thoroughly fucked.
“No,” I said forcefully. “I was at the pool, and I always run into ladies I know.”
100% believable in context with my life. I had set up an “unpredictable” precedent with all my errands and outings for years. I planned way in advance. Right from the beginning.
“Why can’t you tell me when you’ll be home?”
“I hate being tracked like an animal. I need some space.”
My space was to get some good dick.
The “Where did you go?” questions were always prepped. I loaded up on bags from TJ Maxx (pre-purchased with my own credit cards that hubby never saw the date or time of said purchases), but they provided excellent cover for hours wasted while I was out (getting railed on the regular).
Thankfully, my acting skills were good enough to pass muster. That, or he didn’t want to face the truth that his wife was stepping out and he couldn’t satisfy her. His pride was at stake. He’d rather believe the lies than confront the uncomfortable truth.
She can’t be cheating.
She would never do that.
THAT’S WHAT HE THOUGHT.
I hid my tracks well.
Women are wily.
Witness me.
But in the end, neither Monalisa nor Deadbeat Zaddy won.
We both lost a life we had.
Yet, we gained our freedom.
And a new path.
This was courtesy of Deadbeat Zaddy. Hopefully we’ll do some more collaborations! This was fun.
Would you like to read more of these him & her versions of adultery?
Better luck next time 😏
I enjoyed this. Silly Zaddy.
I first became someone's AP at 16, so, I lie to everyone like I breathe. None of the poll options apply. Sometimes it's hard to remember to tell the truth.