Reading Surviving Infidelity
The other side of the coin of adultery
When I wanted to torment myself and see the true repercussions of my actions, I turned to SI (Surviving Infidelity). This subreddit was eye-opening in its horror. All the woe-is-me stories and diatribes against adulterers.
I knew I was going to hell, but I had to pass SI first.
One woman posted about finding her husband’s Reddit account.
MoonoverBourbonst wrote, “Good on you! Cheaters deserve to be publicly humiliated and exposed for what they are. Useless, pathetic liars who ruin the lives of others because they just can’t control their sexual urges. The way they lie to cover up is pathetic. I hope you find someone deserving of you, and I hope your children get over the betrayal that they are valued less than a hook-up.”
The responses to Moon were telling: “Drag him, Queen, through the muck and mud.” There was no “getting over it” for the partner. Posts addressing the cheater as a “piece of shit” were common. CottonComfort wrote, “I don’t know if I’ll ever fully trust another person again. Romantic or otherwise.”
Christ. This kind of crap makes me think that I was doomed.
What kind of demented person was I?
Human weakness and lust were a heady combination.
What would I do if I were found out? Would I deny or blurt out the truth? I still didn’t know. (I lied, by the way. Like I always do. I lied and got away with it and left without my ex knowing exactly how bad I was, although I’m sure he could guess).
I do know I would cause an immense amount of pain for my husband, and he doesn’t deserve it.
Yet I didn’t deserve the pain of not being desired either.
But on the scale of pain, he would win.
The victim is always more sympathetic. Duh.
I knew I was the villain in this story.
BabyGoTo wrote, “You know what is worse than the cheating itself? The wasted years. You can heal from the cheating, but you will never get your time back. It’s like waking up from a coma; it’s like serving time for someone else’s crime. Furthermore, the feeling of the best years of your life being an actual lie is overwhelming. What you thought you were living wasn’t reality.”
I did benefit from reading the Surviving Infidelity stories and comments. It made me find a more balanced view of my own situation. The word “consequences” seemed less abstract. Mocking and showing contempt wasn’t exactly a way to achieve the level of empathy many of us lacked when dealing with our spouses.
I read SI not just for research for my book, but to see the whole story.
My spouse wasn’t the monster/asshole/bitch/selfish creature I wanted to depict. Neither was I the innocent angel I pretended to be. My husband was a human who deserved respect.
Far more respect than I gave him.
He’d be much better off without me.
Most adulterers could benefit by reading the other side. Even though it was uncomfortable. That was precisely why they should do it. Instead of the childish “I want a cookie” and “I’m getting a cookie no matter what,” you saw that maybe the cookie eating came with some pitfalls like tooth decay, diabetes, or obesity.
MysteriousEggplant put her own spin on this. “This is a well-balanced and thought-out post. We do tend to get myopic about our own situations and forget that there’s a broad spectrum of human experiences out there with real people facing real emotions as a result of our actions, ‘justified’ or not.”
The “real” backlash would be cold and harsh. I suspect that I would have a nervous breakdown from all the repercussions.
Who cares, right? I would deserve it.
(I did lose friends—so many took my ex’s side in the divorce. It was isolating and harsh. I don’t wish that hell on anyone. I didn’t have a breakdown—I’m far too good at emotional dissonance for that, lol. 😂 My compartmentalization skills are top notch.)
Would you read r/SurvivingInfidelity?
Could you deal with the hate?
Tell me in the comments.
I wrote this years ago and it still makes me flinch. “Useless, pathetic liars who ruin the lives of others because they just can’t control their sexual urges.”
Fuck.
Even I realized the truth in that sentence. Yet, I always wanted to show nuance in my writing. It wasn’t just pro-adultery all the time. It had to show the pain behind the passion. All of it.
The remorse, the disconnect, the hurt and betrayal.
It’s all part of the “lifestyle” and I don’t want to glamorize the inevitable consequences. So, take this essay as a shot of bitter truth. Down it in one gulp if you can. Or perhaps, just avoid it and keep going on your merry way.
I was ready to peek behind the SI curtain. Are you?
Very thought-provoking story Mona. When I was caught years ago, my spouse told frineds and I was villified. As I was told by many what a piece of shit I was, I wanted to bite back, defending myself with "yeah buts...you don't know the story or causes" - I didn't, because it wouldn't matter. The cheater is always marked as the piece of shit.