I present to you the definite and infallible order of adulterous sins.
I have 20. Starting from the worst.
The Cake Eater—my personal Waterloo. Lots of sex at home and plenty of thrills on the side with an affair partner. A giant fuck you and fuck you, too. Thank you, CeeLo.
The Liar—The “I’m not married” is so low that it vied for the #1 spot. Just cheat and admit to being a lousy cheater.
The Uncondomed. You deserve an STD or whatever other “fun” repercussions come your way for being reckless with your weiner.
The High Body Count—Fucks everything that moves. Direct correlation to #3.
The Pretend Faithful—”It’s only you, baby.”
”I would never be with anyone else.”
May your genitals be laid to waste.The Hotel Shirker—never pays, never offers to pay.
The Whiners—”Why can’t you meet me now?”
”Can’t you find someone to take the kids?”
”Your schedule is too difficult!”
It’s whining all the time, which doesn’t exactly stoke the adultery flames—it causes them to burn out.The Chronic Ghoster—this person sucks. That is all.
The Righteous—”I’m only cheating because I’m in an open relationship.” Then, you aren’t CHEATING, Mister I’m Better Than You. Let me have a chat with your wife and let’s sort this out.
The Robin Hood—”I’m only doing this because I have to…” Sure, I got it. SEX IS A NEED. And your wifey doesn’t want to touch your hairy ass.
The Short Leashed—a special spot in Hell’s Basement for you idiots. Grow some balls and some independence.
The Age Gappers—Beware of the leering Daddy Dom with a vasectomy. Haven’t you done the math? No dividing or adding. Fuck someone in your own generation.
The Married With a Pregnant Wife—One word: motherfucker.
The Married With Young Children—I really hope your wife takes half and the kiddos.
The Single Men—You have an unfair advantage on this playing field: all the fucking and none of the headaches.
The Single Women—You also have an unfair advantage until you “fall in love” with Mr. Dad Bod. C’mon. You can do better.
The Mr. Keeping It Light—”We’re just having fun!” all the time guy. When it becomes “not fun,” he drops you like a hot potato.
The Sexter—”I need to fill that slut mouth of yours” and “I’m going to punish you, dirty girl.” Words can hurt you if your spouse finds out. You better have those messages on some super duper secret messaging app.
The Emotional Affair Only—it’s not cheating, really. “We never met!” “It means nothing!” How do you think that will go over when your spouse finds your hundreds of messages, heartfelt words, and sexy longings?
The Long Looker—it’s not cheating when all you do is fantasize and watch. “I’ve looked on a lot of women with lust. I’ve committed adultery in my heart…” Jimmy Carter said.
I like sinning in ACTION.
Screw the looking.
(Did you get the double entendre?)
Who are you better than in adultery land? Cause you know it’s human nature to judge (and be judged, lol).
“I am not a crook.”
Hmm, where have we heard that one before?
It’s deja vu all over again, lol. Please spare me the “I would never stoop so low…” I have. I’m sure you have, too. If you read this, you’re already in the shit.
You don’t agree with me? Too bad. Start your own list. Or argue your case in the comments.
This list is courtesy of u/captainunfaithful on Reddit, with descriptions and additions by yours truly.
I never judge ❤️
I try not to judge anyone for anything. Particularly cheaters after I found your threads, with that being said numbers 3, 4, 13 and 14 are times where I would judge without hesitation.