I’ve tried the nice ads.
Being sweet and a pleaser, the good girl and the submissive mistress, the lady who would never say an unkind word or cause even the most fleeting feeling of consternation.
IT’S NOT WORKING.
So, I’m switching tactics.
I’m going to be the bitch now. I WANT WHAT I WANT. Period.
I won’t settle for anything less than this. If you don’t meet my qualifications, your message will be ignored. No ifs, ands, buts, or second chances. Feel free to “shoot your shot,” but know it will miss the basket if you don’t read and follow instructions.
1. I want a hot guy. Sorry, I do. I want to look at your picture and get turned on and fantasize about you doing all kinds of naughty and sexy things to me. This doesn’t mean movie-star good looks. I find many different “types” sexy. But it does mean you have a raw sensuality, you take care of your body, and you have stamina and strength.
2. NO sex talk for the first three days at least. This means we learn about each other without the sexual stuff being distracting.
3. YOU MUST BE ABLE ACTUALLY TO HAVE AN AFFAIR. This means there needs to be a decent amount of neglect on the part of your spouse. She’s not hovering over you constantly, looking at your phone, or worse yet, USING your phone. She doesn’t need to know exactly where you are at any given moment. You must be able to have separate finances or a credit card that will allow you to reserve a hotel room or gifts without her knowledge. You must be able to be away for hours to meet up without her constantly calling.
4. Speaking of chatting, our texting will adhere to the following requirements: I want, at minimum, a good morning and good night text every day, 30 minutes of daytime texting between the hours of 9 am to 4 pm, five days a week unless work prohibits (in which case that will be discussed and understood between us beforehand). At least an hour of dedicated chatting between the hours of 8 pm to 11 pm each night unless there is a pre-planned commitment (and I require at least one day’s notice).
5. I want a gentleman whose actions speak louder than words but whose words speak loudly, too. Treat me with kindness, respect, gentleness (unless I don’t want you to be gentle, lol), and consideration.
6. I want you to tell me I’m beautiful. Shower me with compliments. And you better be sincere.
7. I want a promise that condoms will be used indefinitely, with ZERO complaining or whining about such.
8. I want at least FOUR hours of fucking during each meet-up. Yes, I said four. I am required to cum at least TWICE. You will shave your balls and at least trim your pubes. I prefer more groomed than less.
9. You WILL contribute to buying sex toys and lingerie that fits my body and doesn’t make me feel bad about my body.
10. I want at LEAST one non—sexual date a month, and it better be fucking FUN.
11. Your penis MUST be at least 5.5 inches (real inches, not man inches) and NO LARGER than 7.5 inches. If it has a slight curve up, all the better. Gotta have that Goldilocks dick.
12. You MUST not have thin lips. THIN LIPS AUTOMATICALLY DRY UP MY VAGINA.
Ok, I think that’s everything.
(I would have added a brain [I need a smart man] with not an ounce of guilt. Work that shit out before you step into this lifestyle. Oh, and humor. If you make me laugh, panties come off even faster.)
I also reserve the right to take away and add to this list without warning.
In return, I will be the pleasing, sweet, sexy, kinky mistress you’ve always dreamed of. If so, send me an IMGUR pic and a message detailing your charms.
MILF, out.
This lady on r/affairs has the lady balls to lay it all out there.
I was damn impressed. Now, most guys will ignore her requirements and not follow directions. But kudos to her to know exactly what she wants. No beating around the bush (haha, unless she wants that). She was tired of the bullshit, and she took action in the search for a lover.
She deserves the best.
And her “thin lips automatically dry up my vagina” line (in all caps, no less) made the contract rider clause of “removal of all brown M&M’s” level of hilarity. I wasn’t so lip-inclined in my search. I did put a premium on hunky shoulders and narrow hips. Hmmm, maybe I should have specified men who brought peanut M&M’s to hotel rooms. Only peanut. Screw allergies (and screw each other, haha…).
I hope she finds her guy to spoil her and call her beautiful.
If you don’t get what you want in an affair, why bother?
Go get it.
Tell me what crazy stuff you would put in an ad in the comments.
This is why I stuck with whores, lol. I could never meet the standards of any woman who would meet mine 🤣🤣🤣
Woof, that is a lot of demands for someone with no indication of being worth any of it up front. This is why men should try Grindr instead. Whatever else it is, it is incredibly easy to hook up without any of that laundry list.